Always be Prepared

Finally serenity:  whiskey on hand, snus in lip and NFL on the tube. Oh, Sour Patch Kids just joined the party – whammy.

Atypical Pman is going to lay off the rants tonight and cut straight to the case regarding the current state of the Browns and my love life.

Looking forward to tomorrow’s scrimmage against the Packers, but like all preseason games you have to take it with a grain of salt. Our offense’s knowledge of the new playbook is rather limited, so there are going to be a lot of quick passes out of McCoy to build his confidence early on. All about that approach, as it will also give our WR corps an opportunity to catch the ball and rack up that YAC. Solid thinking on the new head mans part if you ask me.

Shurmur said the starters will get a quarter, I would expect nothing less in week one. What I’d like to see: no injuries, consistency on both sides of the ball (out of the starters at least) and scores. Getting in the end zone has been a serious epidemic in Cleveland the past couple of years. Can a brother get a fucking touchdown!? I don’t foresee the Pack playing all of their dogs either, so that would add insult to injury if we cannot move the ball against a non-loaded d.

Players to watch for:  Little, Moore (man crush on this dude), Buster, Dockery, Sheard among others. Little should get some serious PT and needs to show he can catch the ball. From what I’ve been reading he has had some issues securing the ball. Moore, live up to his camp hype and shred the seams. If we get in the redzone I’d put fifty on Moore or Little gettin the rock. Buster and Dockey will have plenty of time to shine. Expect to see those two bro’s get a lot of action from the second quarter on. Man, I am really not feeling this Browns talk right now if you cannot tell. Everything I have said has been some real general bullshit. Let’s just be happy the Browns are on TV tomorrow night and go from there. My boner grows a little bit bigger every waking hour we approach kick off. It’s probably at ¼ hard right now or what my friend Weeps likes considers raging hard. Man you have to feel bad for that little smokey – condolences broski, low blow or should I say short blow. Either way, I will follow up Sunday with thorough post game thoughts as I recover from a lingering hangover compliments of Lishy’s party. That bottle of Jack does not stand a chance in hell.

NEXT…

Date went well! Much better than my morning, let me explain.

Woke up promptly around 8:00 AM with the full intentions of cleaning up my package area, chest and face. Sported an awful beard for quite some time, my package looked like a “war-zone” and my chest not much better than the rest. You know I wanted to look sharp as fuck for this date. My confidence was running high early on, not for long though.

Unfortunately, I was presented with a predicament much earlier than previously anticipated. It was way too early and I was way too groggy to make sensible decision.  Every man knows you cannot shave your balls with the same razor you use on your face (it is common sense); unless of course your last name starts with Wae and ends in tjen. Whatever, I had two tools; my unused, top of the line four blade Fusion and what some people would consider a prison shank a.k.a. my on-time-use disposable BIC blade. The same blade I have been using to manscape for the past thirty days mind you. Let’s just say the results were not pretty. My button up was sticking to my chest like that scene from 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carrell gets ripped up from his waxing session and my package…yeah same deal, maybe worse. Confidence level took a serious hit at this point and it wasn’t even nine o’clock.

All that was going through my mind was, “what should I do if mystery girl wants to smash?” Do I finger blast the shit out of her and call it a night or avoid the situation altogether. Luckily, the opportunity did not present itself. Thank god! That would have been embarrassing. On a sobering note, work was filled with a whole bunch of awkward fidgeting in my seat to adjust my sticky underwear and random blood stains seeping through my button-up that I desperately tried to hide. Don’t hold your breath; I packed a backup t-shirt & underwear in my work bag, so all was still good under the hood. After all, I was prepared to slay this date.

My recommendation for mystery girl was to arrive downtown tentatively around 7:00 for the ballgame. Ended up finishing my shit early and headed straight to the bar to shake off this rough start before she arrived. I debated giving play-by-play details of the date, but literally seconds ago decided to keep it private. To sum it up; her favorite movie is Dumb and Dumber (check), fav. live show John Mayer (check), but NFL super fan to none other than the Steelers (blart!). In all honesty I could give a shit less who she watches on Sunday’s. Although, if we do watch games together this fall it will be in different rooms. I would rather be subjected to using the disposable BIC for the rest of the year than to watch those dirt bags. Another positive I took out of the date was she loved seeds and ate them by the handful, discarding of the shells one by one while maintaining a mouth full – of seeds you sickos! A sign she had to be a good kisser, cha-ching. I will tell you that notion was confirmed for a solid five minutes as we ate each other’s faces in her car.

Leave you with this funny quote from Horrible Bosses, “I’d like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states”.

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Carry-Over & Date Night

Last night I ranted about all sorts of things. More specifically, Browns talk radio and cliché sayings that bother me. To follow-up on last night’s rant let me start with Browns talk radio. Prediction, this will lead-off my blog on a consistent basis.

Tuned into 850 AM following a bull-buster of a day at the office, bad decision.

Let’s dive right into the hate train… Jerod Cheery does not know what the fuck he is talking about regarding the Cleveland Browns. The most disappointing part is, the dude gets paid to do one thing – showcase his supreme knowledge of the Browns roster top to bottom. Pman, why do make these claims? Well, for the short period of time I suffered through his segment this evening Jerod made the statement that Ben Watson was not utilized as a pass catching TE last year. Jerod, what the fuck man, are you kidding me?! Without checking last years stats I can tell you Watson led the team in receptions and possibly even receiving yards. Mind you, the Browns offense was arguably was the most docile passing offense in the NFL. Watson set a career high in receptions and again (without looking it up) possibly a career high in receiving yards. But he was not utilized last year, right? Look bro, if I had one hour every night to talk about the Browns ball boy’s on 850 AM, you better believe I am going to know my shit. I would sure as hell be able to tell you how many times a day each one of those freak ball boy’s feed the mongoose (inside joke – toilet usage). Okay, enough negativity towards Jerod Cherry. I respect what he does, all I am saying is he needs be on top of his game – sloppy segment man, no surprise there.

Last night I also touched on the saying, “I know right”. Girl at work dropped it once in the morning and again towards the ladder part of my shift. Grrr! At this point I am convinced she is doing it to piss me off. To make matters worse, this super cutie I am taking out Wednesday night used it in a text this morning. I debated deleting her number out of my phone, but then I thought about the potential sex. Just kidding, really looking forward to this date actually. How ironic is that though? No more than ten hours earlier was I ranting in my first blog about how that saying makes me cringe. #mylife

Taking a quick break to throw out a Pman official disclaimer. To hit on my insecurities right quick, if anyone is reading this I understand my writing skills are absolutely horrendous. 5th graders can probably articulate their thoughts on a higher level than me. Several reasons I started writing a blog, number one – improve my abilities as a writer and number two – I enjoy writing off the cuff. Okay, running to get a beer brb.

Back! More of a staggered trot, but got the job done nonetheless. If  you are wondering what my beverage of choice is, Rolling Rock no doubt. Had to settle for a Bud heavy considering my next best option was Miller Lite in a can. I have standards you sons of bitches.

Back to this little date scheduled for Wednesday night. No names – taking this girl I met Saturday night to Little Italy for a quick bite, followed by what I hope transcends into a long stroll through CWU campus. Who knows, only time will tell. Ideally, she will shove me up against a 96′ Civic where we will proceed to hook-up for a minimum of twenty minutes. Chest rub, well that is icing. My original plan was an Indians game, but I will be at Progressive Field Tuesday night with one of my best broski’s and his fiance. Any who (inside joke), I opening admit there are some concerns regarding this date.

Was thinking back as to how all of this transpired and why exactly I desire this date. All I could come up with is: she encouraged me to grab her butt through a sun dress (omg bad night to go commando), her smile was incredible (made that mistake before – 2003ish) and finally she made the brash decision to dedicate her night to what I consider a grizzly, foolish looking me. All of those qualities are physical – not good, not good at all actually. What the heck should I do? Maybe it was too loud for her to show personality. Idk..idk

 Then there was about a ten minute period at work this morning where I was sitting there feeling bad for myself, because I  have cowardly managed to dodge the dating scene for quite some time. So I obviously decided to give love a shot once again lol… or was it the sex. JUST KIDDING, I am not a scum bag. But lordy, the butt squeeze though her sun dress drove me crAzY. Wanted to jump her bones, but I was too busy scrambling to hide my boner. Still nervous on a few fronts, most notably my last dating experience rocked my world, in the absolute wrong way.

The last girl I dated became mental if I did not cum in her mouth after sex, so she could udder the disturbing phrase, “yum, that’s good”. Another story for another blog. Not my proudest moment con cum guzzler, but I was horny as f and it was better than twerking it to porn. Guys, you know what I am talking about. Mom, someone hijacked my account or rather…it was taken out of context

Back to the date, because honestly I am jacked up for this and there is nothing else I feel like ranting about at this hour. It’s my freaking blog after all! How did I go from Jerod Cherry – to Date girl – to – World’s biggest slizz – back to Date girl. This is not going to be fair for someone. Like I said, off the cuff baby.

Better believe there will be a blog following Wednesday’s date night.

Biggest concern: mystery girl is rather quiet. Not sure how to handle that problem. Should I just keep conversation short myself or should I go balls to the wall and pry the words out of her mouth (with my tounge- dammit I am horny again). Hopefully a couple of glasses of wine will do the trick. Oh boy, there is no way she has any idea what she is getting herself into. On a serious note, first dates are a strength of mine and I respect women more than some women respect themselves. She is in good hands, trust me I got this.  May be the only man in the world who cannot mentally handle one night stands. Again, another story for another blog.

On the little sweetheart note. Cannot believe little miss thang is 27, think it’s kind of sexy though; considering she does not look a day over 21. Actually, the whole night I was thinking to myself…pman, ask her age, ask her age, do not be a creep and hit on an underaged girl, ask her age you asshole. Tell you what, angelic face fooled me man. Can you tell I am excited about Wednesday? Looking forward to berating her with all sorts of  questions – best part of dating is the learning curve. How many brothers and sisters do you have, what kind of music do you listen to, if I was locked up for a quarter century could I count on you to support me mentally? You know, the usual routine.

I’m super tired and sick of sounding like an arrogant prick. TBC…

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CLEVELANDER

I debated purchasing a journal the other day, but the thought of somebody getting their greasy little hands on it scared the shit out of me. Therefore, a blog is much more appropriate, right?

Succinct is my second middle name, so I’m going to touch on each topic and move on quickly – maybe if my Doctor reads my blog it will increase the probability of him prescribing me Adderall. That stuff is like a PED for professionals and I absolutely endorse the use/abuse of it. Side note, maybe an employer will read my blog and act like they didn’t see that little piece about Adderall.  

Probably not a good idea to start my blog on such a stale note, but I am about to hate on a few things that have been driving me crazy as of late, in addition to some Browns talk. There is a bogus stat out there that guys think about sex every 10 seconds or some bullshit like that (more like every minute actually). I on the other hand obsess about the Browns every 10 seconds and then move on to sex to fulfill my duty as a man. Let’s get this rolling…

1.) “I know right?”.

There is this girl at work who abuses the line and it irks me beyond belief. Not because she isn’t using it in the right context, but because A. She probably has never seen the movie Mean Girls and B. She uses it to sound cool, which she is not whatsoever and UGH! Thinking about her using that phrase daily just made me lose MY cool.  Let’s just move on and say if you are going to throw out a , “I know right?” it better be because you have lost all interest in continuing a conversation with a filibuster story-teller, so you drop that little bomb, slug a beer and walk away. End of story, use it sparingly, but don’t use it at all until you have seen Mean Girls ( I would still totally hook up with Lindsay Lohan btw).

2.) Jerod Cherry and LeCharles “I tore my ACL in a non-contact practice” Bentley

First question, How did these two jokesters score a talk radio show, I mean come on? I try tuning in to their segment after work and inevitably change the station every time, because they manage to steer EVERY debate into a race issue. Someone needs to clock their segment and see how much of thier show is actually dedicated to Browns talk, serial. A week ago I listened to LeCharles vent about bad daddies and the court system fucking him over in relation to child support for at least 10 minutes (mind you, they only have an hour). Second question, how does that pertain to anything sports related? I guess he did try to tie it into professional athletes and them getting taken for in divorce court for thousands of dollars. Two words: Antonio Cromartie. There goes my ADD again, continuing on…

3.) Colt McCoy

Excited beyond belief to watch this dude start an entire season. If he sucks, he sucks and we will move on. In my opinion there are sufficient weapons surrounding him. Hillis, G. Little, B. Watson and E. Moore. Notice I left off Massaqui, Robo and Cribbs. Love Cribbs, but the idea of him starting as a WR in the NFL leaves me uneasy. Hopefully he can stay healthy and provide much needed explosiveness to our WR corps. Robo, well… I scored two touchdowns on him in a  HS game, in which he maybe had three catches, nough said. Massaqui, simply not consistent and currently in a cast, so not even going to bother talking about him right now.

Back to the other three guys I mentioned. Hillis, if healthy I expect him to outproduce Medenhall and whoever the Shmangals give the node to at RB. Ray Rice (could have had him) is the best running back in the conference hands down – Mans down. G. Little is the best WR on our roster. Don’t think he will have a problem emerging as our number one, considering he has to beat out Robo, Cribbs and Mass. Watson was a great pickup by the Mangini regime. He’ll put up similar numbers to a year ago.  Very solid TE and a great veteran presence. Evan Moore (if healthy as well) could be a big time mis-match for defenses. It would be sick to see him and Watson do what Hernandez and Gronkowski did for the Patriots. Moore and Watson are both solid offensive TE’s and with a game plan geared towards their strengths they could easily put up over 1000 yards and 10 TDs combined. Enough Browns talk for one night, but definitely more to come at a later time.

I have one more thing to burn about…

3.) ” Much to the Chagrin of…”

Has anyone noticed sportscasters are abusing this line like there is no tomorrow. We get it, it’s a catchy line and it makes you sound like a badass. Similar to, “I know right?”, there is a time and a place. The time is not every situation you could possibly drop it and the place is clearly ESPN and Cleveland.com. Mary Kay is good for one per conversation and ESPN, well apparently their sportscasters thesaurus is on auto-fix for any situation a team is displeased with the outcome of something that should have been much more routine. All I am trying to say is put that away until week 6 or so. If I hear it again in the next week I swear to god I’m pulling out my sportscasters voodoo doll collection, taking names and ripping heads off.

There is no way I am proof reading this, for my time is too valuable and I need another beer. Good night! “The pillow is always cooler on the other side.” Remember when Stuart Scott wasn’t such a terd?

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