Always be Prepared

Finally serenity:  whiskey on hand, snus in lip and NFL on the tube. Oh, Sour Patch Kids just joined the party – whammy.

Atypical Pman is going to lay off the rants tonight and cut straight to the case regarding the current state of the Browns and my love life.

Looking forward to tomorrow’s scrimmage against the Packers, but like all preseason games you have to take it with a grain of salt. Our offense’s knowledge of the new playbook is rather limited, so there are going to be a lot of quick passes out of McCoy to build his confidence early on. All about that approach, as it will also give our WR corps an opportunity to catch the ball and rack up that YAC. Solid thinking on the new head mans part if you ask me.

Shurmur said the starters will get a quarter, I would expect nothing less in week one. What I’d like to see: no injuries, consistency on both sides of the ball (out of the starters at least) and scores. Getting in the end zone has been a serious epidemic in Cleveland the past couple of years. Can a brother get a fucking touchdown!? I don’t foresee the Pack playing all of their dogs either, so that would add insult to injury if we cannot move the ball against a non-loaded d.

Players to watch for:  Little, Moore (man crush on this dude), Buster, Dockery, Sheard among others. Little should get some serious PT and needs to show he can catch the ball. From what I’ve been reading he has had some issues securing the ball. Moore, live up to his camp hype and shred the seams. If we get in the redzone I’d put fifty on Moore or Little gettin the rock. Buster and Dockey will have plenty of time to shine. Expect to see those two bro’s get a lot of action from the second quarter on. Man, I am really not feeling this Browns talk right now if you cannot tell. Everything I have said has been some real general bullshit. Let’s just be happy the Browns are on TV tomorrow night and go from there. My boner grows a little bit bigger every waking hour we approach kick off. It’s probably at ¼ hard right now or what my friend Weeps likes considers raging hard. Man you have to feel bad for that little smokey – condolences broski, low blow or should I say short blow. Either way, I will follow up Sunday with thorough post game thoughts as I recover from a lingering hangover compliments of Lishy’s party. That bottle of Jack does not stand a chance in hell.

NEXT…

Date went well! Much better than my morning, let me explain.

Woke up promptly around 8:00 AM with the full intentions of cleaning up my package area, chest and face. Sported an awful beard for quite some time, my package looked like a “war-zone” and my chest not much better than the rest. You know I wanted to look sharp as fuck for this date. My confidence was running high early on, not for long though.

Unfortunately, I was presented with a predicament much earlier than previously anticipated. It was way too early and I was way too groggy to make sensible decision.  Every man knows you cannot shave your balls with the same razor you use on your face (it is common sense); unless of course your last name starts with Wae and ends in tjen. Whatever, I had two tools; my unused, top of the line four blade Fusion and what some people would consider a prison shank a.k.a. my on-time-use disposable BIC blade. The same blade I have been using to manscape for the past thirty days mind you. Let’s just say the results were not pretty. My button up was sticking to my chest like that scene from 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carrell gets ripped up from his waxing session and my package…yeah same deal, maybe worse. Confidence level took a serious hit at this point and it wasn’t even nine o’clock.

All that was going through my mind was, “what should I do if mystery girl wants to smash?” Do I finger blast the shit out of her and call it a night or avoid the situation altogether. Luckily, the opportunity did not present itself. Thank god! That would have been embarrassing. On a sobering note, work was filled with a whole bunch of awkward fidgeting in my seat to adjust my sticky underwear and random blood stains seeping through my button-up that I desperately tried to hide. Don’t hold your breath; I packed a backup t-shirt & underwear in my work bag, so all was still good under the hood. After all, I was prepared to slay this date.

My recommendation for mystery girl was to arrive downtown tentatively around 7:00 for the ballgame. Ended up finishing my shit early and headed straight to the bar to shake off this rough start before she arrived. I debated giving play-by-play details of the date, but literally seconds ago decided to keep it private. To sum it up; her favorite movie is Dumb and Dumber (check), fav. live show John Mayer (check), but NFL super fan to none other than the Steelers (blart!). In all honesty I could give a shit less who she watches on Sunday’s. Although, if we do watch games together this fall it will be in different rooms. I would rather be subjected to using the disposable BIC for the rest of the year than to watch those dirt bags. Another positive I took out of the date was she loved seeds and ate them by the handful, discarding of the shells one by one while maintaining a mouth full – of seeds you sickos! A sign she had to be a good kisser, cha-ching. I will tell you that notion was confirmed for a solid five minutes as we ate each other’s faces in her car.

Leave you with this funny quote from Horrible Bosses, “I’d like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states”.

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